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Mickey Mouse and Animal Rights

15 Oct


Hi Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, For the last time, an elephant is not a viable tool! I mean who has that readily accessible? Not to mention the obvious infringement on elephants’ rights to just be elephants and not a tool to help Goofy find his damn shoe.

Awful Things: Babar the Little Elephant

20 Sep

Things I didn’t realize until just now:

Um… Babar and Celeste are cousins. I read this book over and over as a kid. but yesterday, I read it to my son and realized some things about The Story of Babar the Little Elephant. It has a number of weird/awful things happening in it – Babar’s mother gets shot by “vicious hunters,” we see a picture of a bleeding momma elephant, Babar is often grieving and cries when he thinks of her (omg heartbreaking!), he runs away and is taken in by a wealthy old lady who gives him anything he wants, his first order of business upon arriving in town is to cover his naked elephant body in a handsome green suit – but possibly weirdest/most awful of all is that he marries Celeste, his little cousin whom he takes in, buys fancy clothes, and ice cream for after she and her brother run away.

20130913-122918.jpgThis is kind of like my revelation, at age thirty, that Jack Tripper had to pretend to be gay around the Ropers so he could live with Janet and Chrissy. Wait. Right?? That was part if what Three’s Company was about, wasn’t it??

UPDATE: Yes. The internet agrees with me about Janet, Chrissy and Jack’s living arrangement.

Take it easy, Fresh Direct

13 Oct

It’s only a cucumber. But, thank you so much, not only for crediting me the $1.78, but for always being there for me.

———- message ———-

To: FreshDirect Customer Service Team
Subject: [contact_us] Problem with an order I received

Hello! My cucumbers that I received yesterday were rotten when I unpacked them.

———- message ———-

Dear Apryl,

Thank you for contacting FreshDirect.

I want you to know how sorry I am that some perishable items in your order arrived in an unacceptable condition. Please know that quality control of our products is of maximum importance to us. We appreciate your taking the time to alert us of this situation. Our Merchandise Leadership Team is always here for you. Their job is all about your feedback. They are constantly reviewing our customers’ correspondence and taking action to fix every problem.

To make up for the unacceptable cucumbers, a store credit in the amount of $1.78 has been applied to your account. Look for our follow-up email within 48 hours, confirming that the credit has completed processing and is available for your use.

Again, thank you for telling us what happened and providing us with this opportunity to correct the problem. If you are not satisfied with our solution, or if you have any other concerns, please call us at (212) 796-8002. Or contact us directly by responding to this email.

And remember – you are our Number One priority!

Elegant interrogation.

16 Jul


Found in the basement of an empty house for sale.

Organics and Efficiency – Our Big Adventure Gets Underway

7 Aug


I imagined Rob and myself silently pulling into Deadwood, South Dakota road-weary, dusty, possibly wearing cowboy hats with horse-tail bands, in Eco mode, parking our energy-efficient hybrid vehicle next to a flatbed Ford and feeling like, well, like the jerks in the Prius….

Our Big Adventure is updated!

What was the first car I owned, and how long did I have it?

2 Jul

I had a 1988 Pontiac Grand Am.  It was white and called Norman.  I decorated him with hippie stickers and vanillaroma Christmas tree air-fresheners.  He had no tape deck, just a radio, so I sometimes had a boombox in the back seat where I could play my Led Zeppelin/Steve Miller/Queen/Spin Doctors mix-tapes.  My grandfather,who played a big roll in teaching me to drive, (he once yelled at me for not using my blinker when turning into my driveway), called it “The Pown-tee-ax.”

This isn't my Norman. My Norman was a two-door.

I had Norman, the Pownteeax, from December of 1992 until roughly February of 1994. When I went to college, I had to leave the car at home.  My mom lent the car to a friend, an elevator repairman, who ran a red light and totaled Norman.  This incident began my long and unfortunate history with crap cars including:

The 1987 Nissan Sentra, crashed in Newark after a night at Alex Eng’s, the accident was not our fault, car totaled

The 1990 Geo Storm, named Rosie, a hatchback, went to many Grateful Dead shows, great for sleeping in, window apparently tasty to lick

The 1991 Acura Integra, traveled to Chicago, (my first road trip),  lived with me in Havana, IL on my first film job, eventually stolen outside of my house and left for dead in East Orange, NJ

The 1987 Honda Accord, given to me by the pilot, bottom dropped out once while leaving a film shoot, crew bungee corded my car together so I could get home

The 1990 Ford Taurus, former Lawn Doctor company car, tires melted to driveway after it died and sat for a year

The 1998 Acura Integra, inherited from little brother, present vehicle

Do I believe that forks are evolved from spoons?

30 Jun

No, I don’t.  I think our primal instinct is to stab stuff.  

We would have first created a stabby-tool.  Then, we would have realized we couldn’t eat soup with it.  Although, the spoon probably didn’t come along for many years.  We were  probably quite content to simply drink our soup until some jerk, probably a politician or missionary, said we needed to be refined, wear clothes, and not act like animals.  Thus, the spoon was invented, probably by melting down a fork.

Since you’re here…

24 Jun

Since you’ve come here and I don’t have a whole lot of anything up yet, why not just say, hey or something and then I can bother you when I get my act together?